In The Absence
by Kamiya Mitsuko
Summary: set after the two bomb episodes. Meredith encounters another depressed day, like always. Only this one has a different ending.


Disclaimer: I don't own it. Wanna thank Shonda Rhimes for creating it! This takes place after the two bomb episodes. Kinda like the aftermath, but it deals mostly on the MerDer relationship.

---

I don't want ot go to work today. Most people have the same problem, but they have different reasons. Mine? I think you already know. George and Izzie still don't get it, though.

"C'mon, Meredith, you're an intern," continued Izzie. Bla-blah. bla-blah-blah-blah. "Saving lives is not optional."

"Yes, it is." I shifted my position. "It's their own fault they get in the damn hospital in the first place. They could rot in the OR for all I care."

The bed made a springy sound from the added weight. "Maybe there's gonna be another accident. Gotta love all the blood clots and the -otomies we might get to scrub in, huh?" George chimed in.

"Look, George, I think we've had enough accidents. Why don't you both go to work and leave me alone?" I turned to face them.

"My car's in the shop," George replied.

"--so, technically, you're our ride," Izzie finished.

B.S. "Go call Cristina then," I offered. "Go away." I pulled the covers over my head.

---

"So you have this feeling?" Cristina made a move towards the bed. "And don't say you're gonna die. I can't risk losing Burke." What's more, I knew that same churning feeling. The exact same thing in the pit of my stomach. Damn.

"It's not," I said, silently reassuring her. "Its... something else."

"What the hell is it, then? We're all late for work as it is." I felt Cristina's legendary 'supportive' self take over. "Meredith, tell Aunty Cristina what's wrong."

"Well, you know. The man I love--"

"has a wife, picked her over you--"

"and took my--"

"McDreamy, McDog, and your McLife, and you've lost all you hope. That cover it? oh, I forgot, your conditioner doesn't work and you have brittle bones."

"No. My shampoo doesn't work now either. And I'm as fat as hell."

"Hm... UP! Get your ass out of bed!" She stood up and started kicking me. Crap.

"We're good to go," Cristina declared. She sounded relieved, come to think of it.

---

Still no resident. Well, I miss Bailey, but not as much as George. He says she's coming along now. Izzie and Alex are stuck down at the pit-- someone overheard them, so I guess this is their punishment. Not itat it punished THEM...exactly. Cristina's requested by Burke, for 'no reason, to scrub in witha quadruple bypass, his stupid apology for being harsh with her at the last shift. And me? I was the lucky one.

"Tucker Jones, 43. He was involved with a car crash on his way to the hosp--" The door burst open.

"I'm sorry." Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd closed the door behind her. Dr. Shepherd turned as Add-- she held his eyes for a damn second. "Hey, Derek. Good morning, Grey."

I couldn't help flinching at the sight of this. I mean, come on. If you just saw the woman who took your McLife, kissing HIM, wouldn't you flinch?

"Addison, Dr. Grey was just starting to tell us about Mr. Jones here," Derek said, as if nothing happened. A look on his eyes indicated something did. _Dr. Grey._ Not Meredith. On professional terms. I'm the one that should've been in the pit.

"Well..." Addison casually draped her arm around my man. "Continue, Dr. Grey. While we're young." Why didn't I let the bomb take care of me?"

"Tucker Jones," I sighed. "43. He got into a car wreck on the way to the hospital. Fortunately, the blood clot that resulted in the crash was taken care of by Dr. Mc-- Shepherd." crap.

"So what is the fate of Tucker?" Derek said, aware of what I just did.

"The surgery was successful, so for right now, bed rest."

"Uh... Doctor?" the man finally whispered from the bed. Bailey's so lucky; she has a husband that she can really count on. Unlike some.

"Yes?" all three of us replied in unison. I looked away while the Shepherds shared a stupid cosmic moment. Seriously. It looked so much better from _her _point of view.

"What about Miranda?"

"That's my department," Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd answered. "Dr. Bailey is in recovery. She should get discharged in a couple of days."

"Our baby?" Tucker asked. "What's the name?"

"His name's--" the red-haired lady stopped herself. "I guess I'd just Miranda tell you, Tucker. She and the baby can visit you."

"Are there any more questions, Mr. Jones?" Derek took the chart and started checking it again.

"No... I think that's it," he murmured. My pager beeped.

"It's Dr. Burke. He needs to prep my patient for the heart transplant." I faced Derek, trying hard not to look at the pools of blue that seemed to pull me in. "Can I go?"

GAGA

"It's retarded, Alex. Face it," Izzie complained. She had a chunk of bread on the side of her mouth, but I didn't say anything about it.

"What is?" Cristina just won the hot-dog contest.

"Hannah. She tried asking Alex out. She actually thought that he was single."

"Well," George interrupted. "Technically, he WAS single at the--"

"Just shut up, O'Malley," Cristina said. "He's taken, Izzie, we get it. How about you, Meredith? How'd the transplant go?"

"Successful." I took a big bite off the nasty hot dog bun. I didn't feel like talking.

"What's wrong, Grey?" Alex challenged me. "McSexy got your tongue?"

"Shut up." I _really_ didn't feel like talking. It's freakin' MCDREAMY. "And that's Dr. Shepherd to you."

"She got that feeling again," George said, trying to make Alex understand.

"You too, George. Shut up."

"Well, Mer, we have something else to do, me and Alex," Izzie said shyly. "'Cause, you see, it's our only off-time for now, and--"

"Just go," I answered. "You really don't have to explain." Yuck.

""Oh, that reminds me," Cristina started putting her food away. "I gotta go see Burke about... something."

"Go ahead." I looked at George. "Well? Aren't _you_ gonna go too?"

"Um... I just thought...I thought you needed...fine." George walked away.

GAGA

I'm back in my bed. Thank God. I've reached the 80-hr work limit, so I won't have to see the 2 legendary Shepherds groping each other in the halls. Actually, it was the she-Shep that did most of it, but I didn't see him trying to resist. Ugh. The hell with them--I don't care anymore. The doork creaks open. Lousy roommates.

"Look, Izzie, George," I muttered, my cheek against the cool pillow. I didn't bother to look, 'cause I know their faces are already there, plastered with fake concern. "And Cristina, if you're there. I'm fine. I don't need your help. I'm tired. Please, just go away."

Still silence. "Leave me alone. Go enjoy your freedom. Just because I'm all alone doesn't mean you guys should stop being happy." Once again, I felt the weight added to the mattresses. Damn stupid. Why did I even care?

"Cristina, I told you before and I tell you again. I've lost hope. I don't know what happened, but it's not there anymore. And in the absence of hope, I need to sit here and bitch about my lowly mistress life. Alone."

He was there-- his hand against my cheek. "Stop cring. You're not alone."

"Look at me, " I said to me. "So caught up in my crap that I hear voices. I can't go through this."

"Meredith, I'm here. You're gonna be fine. You're not hearing voices." And there it is again. I felt hands grabv my shoulders, shaking me violently. It was real. "I can't remember." His eyes were closed. I felt drawn to him. If only...I faced him. "The last time we kissed. I know the details--what we were both wearing, the day, everything. Everything but the kiss itself."

I had no idea what came over me. "Stand up," I softly whispered. Without a word, he did. I got off the bed and faced him. "Pretend it's the kitchen. I'm wearing my Dartmouth shirt, reading the paper, drinking coffee. You're about to go to work. Got all that?"

"Yes." I leaned to him, but not completely. I wanted this so much. I wanted to make it last longer...Derek couldn't wait; I saw it in his eyes. The hunger took over. He closed in what little space we had between us.

His lips were soft. His wife's at home, I know wondering where her husband might be. But no. I willed my guilt away and focused on him. Gently, gently. Now a little harsh--he bit my lip as he intensified the liplock. Just the way he knew I like it. I didn't care. It was my last kiss, and I memorized it. Forgetfulness is not for loners. I pulled away first. "I need to breathe," I panted. Silent tears once again were pulled by gravity.

"Mere," Derek whispered. He was in need of air as well. "Why are you crying? No one died." I tried chuckling. as I wiped it away.

"It's not funny." Some thing gleamed. "It's just--" My left hand had a diamond ring on my finger. Holy crap! What the hell?

"Do you like it?" I looked at him. Derek had a content smile playing on his dreamy face.

"Wh-what is this?" I couldn't process anything through my head. McDreamy, living up to his name, was kissing my neck, mumbling.

"I left her, Meredith. I want to be with you." My skin was tingling, my lips were swollen. And for the first time since I don't know when, I was...happy.

"But...why me?" I asked. Tears were gone. It was just me and him. It's all that mattered now.

"Because...I love you. And whenever someone you love comes this close to dying--" he held his fingers close together "--it makes you realize that you'll never get over them unless you spend eternity with her."

As for hope? I found it. This time, it's there to stay.

xxx

I know. It's really long. I hope you guys liked it...


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